Tag Archives: life

National Novel Writing Month & how I’m breaking writer’s block.

This blog was started almost six months ago in the hopes of being able to continuously write  when I didn’t technically “have to” because of graduating college and becoming a so-called “adult”. But, I mean look how well that’s turned out. I honestly can’t remember the last time I sat down to post here! I can’t even think of the last time I sat down to write in my journal and that feels big and wrong and ugh why can’t I just turn off my brain and turn on my hands to write?

It’s funny how even when you have a million and one thoughts racing for first place/front of the line in your brain, you still can’t seem to put them into words. Do I want to talk about how my supposed best friend shit all over me? Do I want to talk about my job and how every day it’s a mixture of emotions (“am I doing okay? Maybe not. Maybe I am! Yes I’m doing okay!”, you know you know). Do I want to talk about how I miss my mom and all I really want to do is hug my brother and share an orange with my friend Brock?  Not really, but I sure as shit want to write about all of that more than anything.

But I can’t. I can’t seem to turn the only thoughts I know into the words I never say, so I’m stepping outside of my comfort zone and forcing myself to write. Normally, I’d just tell myself that I’m going to write every day and if I don’t I don’t, but if I do–great! Why force it, ya know (which, might I add, tends to be my life motto w/ everything. “Why force finding a suitable boyfriend? It’ll happen!”, “Why force maintaining my caffiene addiction? It’ll maybe definitely not subside!”, etc.)? After this being the first thing I can honestly say I’ve “written” in the past…4-ish months (and ugh. I’ve drafted this about a million times because I just can’t seem to finish it) (sorry for all the parentheses), I need to force it–I need to. I need to! I’m going to. Okay. So let me tell you how I’m doing it.

I’m going to tackle NaNoWriMo for the first time ever and I can’t even begin to explain how petrified I am by this. I mean, I honestly cannot even fathom starting and finishing an entire novel in a month; it seems like a huge challenge–like..harder than trying to find a job in this economy almost (Okay, not really. Finding a job is obv, harder and now I’m getting off track so back to writing)! I think the most humorous thing is that their website says “READY TO WRITE A NOVEL?” Like, no. No I’m not ready. I’m really not, but I’m going to anyway, ya know? Because I need to just do something and zone out in it.

So, since i’m one thousand percent certain I cannot do this alone, I have recruited my dearest friend Katie. Together, we hope to write something that basically people can laugh at, and what’s funnier than bad dates/boyfriends/girlfriends/friends you’ve encountered, ya know?  Life is funny! So we’re doing it. We start Nov. 1 and I kind of want to throw up just thinking about it. If you have any suggestions/comments/tips/tricks/submissions/stories you’d like to share or contribute so that I feel less barfy and more confident about this, please feel free to share them in the comments section or, ya know, drop me a line. That’d be splendid.

 

I feel like I need a Pepto now. This has been a blog post.

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Two weeks later.

I’ve been living on a completely different side of the country for about two weeks now. People keep asking me how it feels, to which I just keep smiling and saying, “It’s good! It’s cool…different.” Like, what are you supposed to say without going into the long diatribe of how, at first, you were really scared, but now you really enjoy it and like the weather, the people, and the fact that you haven’t had to go through sixteen consecutive days of weather temps in the 100s? Keep it short, simple, & truthful, right? Right.

This week, I started working for my dad’s office. I had mixed emotions about it at first; Would I know what to do? Would I like it? Would it severely cut into the time needed to look for a full time job while also working on my summer base tan so that I don’t burn like a lobster this summer? To answer those questions:

  1. Not at first, but I got used to it.
  2. Yes, a lot more than I thought I would.
  3. Psh–NO.

It’s been really nice to get my feet wet somewhere where I know some people (i.e. my dad).

Also, I’d like to take a quick moment to RE-RE-RE-state how crappy job hunting is. Remember back when the economy was good and people were successful at getting jobs because companies were actually willing to hire people? More importantly–do you remember when we were young and couldn’t care less about finding a job, buying a car, and/or paying off student loans? All we wanted to do was be ballerinas and astronauts because that was enough.

Just missing being 5 again lately.

A fun part about coming home.

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Packing up & moving on.

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Last night I packed up the majority if my room so I could take it all hoke this weekend. I’m pretty sure it took everything I had in me not to cry. It’s so insane to think I won’t be hauling all of this crap back up to school next semester & will, instead, be moving it across the country.

The hard part now: figuring out what to take/what not to take. Oh, the woes.

The moment when you get to let out of a sigh of relief,

because you’ve successfully handed in all of your assignments for the semester, made you very last college “presentation” (and okay, whatever. So it wasn’t as ~elaborate~ as everyone else’s. You’re about to graduate. They can suck it.) , and turned in (and gotten back! 100%!) your last portfolio.

It’s great, isn’t it? You can now relax for .5 seconds before you start the mad dash that is finals week. But hey, it’s your last one. Don’t rush through it too much, ya know? Remember to take it all in a bit–after all, this was your home away from home for four years and one summer of summer school. Sure, packing it all up into cardboard boxes and moving it from one city to another and then from one state to another is going to be hard. But it’s such an adventure. Can’t you feel it?

Embrace that shit. Your life is just beginning.

Sometimes, I think I possess the personality of Larry David.

Like, not exactly. Because I’m not always angry all of the time. But there are a lot of times when I just come to realization of how cynical I can be. Have you ever watched an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm or even just seen a film with David in it? The entire time, he’s questioning everything and everyone; no one is ever perfect to Larry David and he, inevitably, is all the one with the correct mindset and answers. I mean, ultimately, he’s just so damn whiney. I realize, obviously, that this is what allows us to love him so much & what makes him so funny–the fact this he has this ridiculous view on life makes us laugh and think to ourselves, “Damn, I’m glad I’m not like that.” But sometimes we are. “You’re headstrong, Alexandra.” my grandmother likes to tell me in her Italian/Irish accent that, when I mimic it, tends to sound a little bit Jewish. “There’s nothing wrong with that.” But, when did headstrong suddenly take on the meaning of judgmental? It’s one thing to possess a certain amount of sarcasm, while it is something entirely different to lose all faith in the human race.

My film professor today talked about how life is so inexplicable and nothing ever seems to make sense; we’re all just dying for things to fall into place the way that we plan them, however, that we can’t even sit back and just enjoy the damn ride. He’s right. I don’t even like the guy, but he’s so so right. You spend your entire life in school worrying about where you’re going and what you’re doing and who you’re going to amount to when you finally reach the ripe age of 30, that you forget to stop and take a moment to enjoy what’s going on around you. You worry about the schools you will or won’t get into and if you wrote an okay essay for that class you don’t even really like; you cry and you pity yourself when you your “path” take an unexpected bend in the road, yet, you’re delighted when everything so conveniently falls into place. But that’s boring. That’s so boring. And so I think that’s the promise I’d like to make myself after I graduate–to not take life as seriously as I have for over two decades and to enjoy more of what comes my way. “Going with the flow” has never been my style, but life just seems so much easier when you actually take the time to enjoy the little things.

In the film, Hannah and Her Sisters, Woody Allen reaches this breaking point in his life because nothing has gone the way he’s expected/wanted it to and, throughout the entire film, he questions the existence of a higher power and all of that nonsense. On the verge of a complete breakdown, he has this complete epiphany during a showing of Duck Soup at a local cinema and says to himself, “Well, ya know, don’t you wanna be part of the experience? You know, what the hell it’s not all a drag. And I’m thinking to myself, Jeez, I should stop ruining my life searching for answers I’m never gonna get, and just enjoy it while it lasts. And, after all–who knows–I mean maybe there is something. Nobody really knows. I know maybe is a very slim reed to hang your whole life on, but that’s the best we have. And then I started to sit back, and I actually began to enjoy myself.”

So, sit back and enjoy yourself. Most likely, your show is just starting.

I think my mom is about ready to cry for the rest of forever.

Every time I talk to her on the phone about how I’m going to graduate in roughly 2.5 weeks, she gets super emotional. She’ll sigh deeply and say something like, “It just…it just seems like yesterday when I drove you up to OSU and helped you set up your apartment.” And she’s right; it definitely does feel like just yesterday when I decided that going to OSU and living with three people I didn’t know at all would be better than staying at home and attending our high school-esque excuse for a university.

In fact, when I think about the fact that May 7th is an extreme upcoming date, I start to panic a bit. I don’t really have anything lined up except moving across the country and living with my dad, stepmom, & dogs. I don’t know what I’ll be doing and I can’t say I won’t miss Oklahoma, because I definitely will–it’s been all I’ve really known for the past, what, 22-ish years? Whatever. Either way, whenever we talk about my graduation and how I’ll be moving soon after, she starts to choke up a little bit and it makes me feel terrible. “You have to do what you have to do, Alex. You need to gain experience and find what best fits you.” she tells me. I know she’s right, but I still feel awful about it. I guess it’s more that I feel awful about the fact that, for the past three years, I barely ever went home to visit, and that will be even harder to do now.

Everything is going to be harder to do now, though. Like, how do normal people do it? Not to say I’m not entirely normal, but let’s just be honest here. There’s pretty much no one out there like me. But seriously, how do people just pick up their lives and make new friends and not feel like they should be hiding under their little rocks? I’ve never had much of a problem making friends, but it’s definitely going to be an eye opener when I realize that I won’t be able to call up James or Mikaela or, really, anyone to go grab a beer and some late night chit chat.

So, let’s just say it’s going to be beyond interesting. I think, as a graduation present for my mom, I’m just going to  buy her an endless supply of Kleenex (you guys think they’ll donate that much? I mean, it’s for a good cause, ya know?) and a 96×108 picture of me that she can make into a mural for our living room walls. Love you, mom.